Last night, Q and I sort of took stock of the last year at home– most of it was spent minding our little guy and watching him grow into the amazing little person he is becoming. The schedule of a baby was much needed during the early days of the pandemic, when we (laughably now) thought this would only be for a few weeks. Now, a year later, it feels like we’re slogging through a lot of our days, but we’ve also gotten into a rhythm that has been comforting too.
I know so many other folks, parents or not, feel like they are coming up against the ‘pandemic wall.’ It’s weird because the light at the end of the tunnel is there with vaccinations happening, but also it still feels like it’s SO LONG to go because there is so much uncertainty around when we’ll be able to get one. I’ve stopped even trying to guesstimate at this point.
They say routines are soothing and helpful to babies and toddlers, but it turns out they are for adults in unknown, stressful circumstances too. As I’ve said before, our circumstances are far better than a lot of people and we have a lot to be thankful for, but knowing that doesn’t lessen the stress and burdens either.
I still feel like I have no free brain space for so much- writing (obviously), looking for a new job and contemplating our move all are just things in the corners of our brain that we talk about fairly frequently, but are too afraid/unsure/worried to pull the trigger on. At the moment, I feel like my brain is focused on making sure we efficiently and effectively grocery shop when we go out and making sure we have supplies we need, as opposed to the life changes we daydream and talk about together.
We’re treading water and have been for awhile even before the pandemic. We banked on me getting a new job in a new place and came so close so many times, and it never panned out for us. That’s not lamenting on what might have been because we cannot change the outcome, and also had we moved, we may never have decided to try to have a baby and I cannot imagine our world without our little monkey.
At the moment, I think we’re very gun shy to do anything different from the routine we’ve established this past year that has kept us (knock on wood) healthy and safe. And yet…we are aching for that change. Such a weird paradox. Neither Q nor I are spontaneous or carefree enough to just DO IT. I wish we were, but we’re not those people- we’re both too pragmatic for our own good. I don’t know what it’s going to take for us to push a domino to make the other things fall into place….maybe a vaccine will help us both feel better, but I don’t know. I do know our house is slowly closing in on us and our toddler is literally staring out the window at the world wanting to explore it and see it all, as well as is doing actual laps around the house to get energy out. Thankfully the spring weather is upon us and more outside time will help the latter.
People talk about what the pandemic has taught them, about what really matters, and it’s very true. For us, it’s about our family and our friends who are family– staying away from them longer than we wanted because we want to keep them safe and be able to hug them again, and keeping our tiny family safe too. It’s brought a lot of things into focus in other ways, now we just have to find a way to capitalize on it.