I think quite frequently about writing, and then the time warp that is 2020 happens and almost 2 months goes by before I actually get to it. I’ve read a few articles about the weird passage of time this year- not that time is passing any differently than it has in previous years, but that the circumstances of this year have made the passage of it seem so different and either super fast or super slow, or strangely, both at the same time.
It’s also hard to be motivated to write when I’m feeling so much these days. Some days I’m so happy to be home with my little family in our little bubble, often forgetting the heavy things of life and the pandemic. Then there are days I’m filled with such dread and anxiety about what could happen after November 3rd that I doomscroll through social media or spend hours looking at random junk online or favoriting clothes I’ll never buy on ThredUp. And then others I’m motivated to get things done and purge through boxes and drawers in my house during my son’s afternoon nap, then collapse onto the couch and don’t do much for the next 6 hours. Last night I was exhausted and falling asleep on the couch at 8pm, but then couldn’t fall asleep when I’m actually in bed.
Some days I feel like I’m just going through the motions of the day, in a set routine that is much defined by the tiny person in my household, and just moving through the sludge to get to the next day, only to get up to do the same thing again. It’s just all so hard to wrap my head around. I need something to look forward to that involves going somewhere or seeing people, but both are also things that feel like ticking time bombs at the same time. Q and I are desperate for a vacation and to spend time for more than a few hours away from our house, but that doesn’t look feasible any time soon either. We both need new jobs- and have for a few years, but this is perhaps maybe the worst time in recent history to leave a stable job for something new. We need to move, but don’t want to move just for the sake of getting a bigger, new place in a different location. I know we just need to do something and then that decision will lead down other paths, but most days we feel like we’re in mud that isn’t taking us down, but isn’t letting us move either.
And then amid these moments of blah and merely existing are true gems of life. Our little guy took his first steps and is walking around! He is developing into this happy little human. When he shakes his little butt to music or claps his hands when he finishes a book, or cuddles into my arm in the mornings–my heart grows a million times bigger. I swear a baby’s laugh could solve half the world’s problems because it certainly makes me feel better.
So that’s what’s going on- nothing but also a lot?