I’ve been struggling to write lately- not just on here, but with some work projects, my journal. I’d like to blame it on the heat and humidity, and maybe that’s part of it because the weather (especially where I am in Southern New England) just seems to want to make me lay around and read, watch movies, and eat popsicles.
I use that excuse of it being too hot, or too cold, or rainy, etc. for exercising too, but as I was looking at my calendar with this new month, I realize I have my yearly physical coming up soon. Unless I want to hear the yearly lament from my doctor about weight, cholestorol, and blood pressure, I guess I better get my act in gear.
And there it is again– this thing I do ALL. THE.TIME. Make excuses, say I’m going to do something, and then the action is JUST NOT THERE. Or it lasts for a week. Some people could say that I don’t do the action because I don’t really want the goal/result ( substantial writing that leads to something, losing weight/getting in shape, etc.) Maybe that’s partly true. Part of the weight debate is that with the exception of blood pressure that is sometimes a bit high ( as in maybe once a year and often caused by a doctor who has kept me waiting over 30 minutes) and some bits that are far more soft than they were 2 years ago, I’m not in BAD health. I don’t eat junk food except for a weekend indulgence in a piece of cake or ice cream; I don’t drink soda or eat a lot of processed anything, and my diet consists greatly of fruits and veggies, seafood, and lots of water. But when it comes down to it, I just don’t move enough.
So what am I afraid of? Working hard? Making lifestyle changes? Actually applying myself to something? I don’t think it’s the last one because with so many things in my life, I make a decision and go with it ( going to grad school, my career, getting a divorce, etc.)
I don’t want to lose weight for anyone but me and my health/future so it’s not like I feel the pressure from people ( other than my judgy doctor) and honestly, I’m not unhappy with how I look. I realize the cruves are there for many reasons ( genetics being the biggest), but also because my body is at the age where it’s thinking about babies ( which is good since I HAVE THE FEVER). It really comes down to the feeling good part of life– the days I walk or exert myself in some way, I sleep better and feel less blah about life. Maybe I’ve given myself the excuse of heat, exhaustion, or just plain not in the mood, but I’m also denying myself the thing I know will make me feel better and overcome those three things too. The same could be said for writing, or painting, or cooking more ( though honestly, cooking in the heat is one of my least fav things ever).
I’m not going to make some empty promise or set some July intention to walk four times a week. I’m not going to say I’m going to be more mindful of food or being active. I’m just putting it out there to float out of my head and into the world to germinate as a thing that I’m musing about, with the hope that doing it will bring something on my part.