Ever since my Dad died, I’ve had a feeling like my life has been shot out of confetti gun and I’m trying to grab at pieces to make sense of it all. It’s not so much that I want things to make sense again ( did they ever?); it’s more that I want to feel like I’m not going in a million different places all at the same time.
This past Saturday, the man (side note: from now on, I’ll call him Q which is part of his name) and I were trying to plan the things to do for the day. In my constant effort to not spend entire weekends doing little errands or projects that I’ve procrastinated on during the week, I tried to have only 3 things that I absolutely wanted to get done. 2 of them happened, one did not, which is fine. The 3rd thing didn’t happen because I decided sort of haphazardly that we should have my mother over for dinner Saturday night. I then proceeded to go to my no-brain, dizzy mental space which led to Q saying: “Why are you over complicating something so simple?” And of course, he was right–and once again, he came to my rescue as I flip flopped around about what to make for the meal and said ” I’m grilling fish.” I’m telling you that man, he’s just the best.
Added into this mind numbing lack of focus is the fact that for the month of January, there were a lot of big unknowns in my life ( visitation/custody of Q’s son, Q’s status with military reserves, etc.) Some of those things have been resolved, others stand a bit up in the air still like when Q will be gone for a bit of time without any ability to contact me. I’m trying very hard to not be selfish with this or frankly, with anything swirling around me and just remember my 2014 word, peace. Some days it’s easy ( I’ll get my license renewed well before the expiration in March, there is plenty of time) while other days I try to quell the nagging part of my brain that says it has to all get done by making yet another list to make me feel focused.
This time of chaos has made me find the order in every day- the simple routines of morning, right after work, are the things that are grounding me, as well as many nights spent watching random things on Netflix. What I have to remember- and what is so hard to embrace the peace of on the weekends when I feel the stress of needing to get things done- is that while my mind would like a little more focus and a little less procrastination now, my body/soul needs the procrastination, the laziness, and the putting off of errands like buying a new shower liner. It’s hard to accept this as a recovering overachiever/Type A person who loves getting things done, but it’s what I need right now. If the death of my Dad taught me anything, it’s that love is all that matters so spending an afternoon on the couch with Q or an afternoon doing crossword puzzles with my Mom, is the right thing. While life is short and things can change in an instant, the other stuff really doesn’t matter.