Life By Kristen

Go, and embrace your liberty. And see what wonderful things come of it. – Little Women

Overthinking Brain Rant

My brain is lately a big run around of “what the hell to do with life” and this post is somewhat reflective of my all over the place thinking. Apologies in advance if the incoherence here is maddening to you.

Every group- coworkers, friends, family- has its Dan the Downer/Negative Nancy. I’ve often found myself looking around at some of the groups I’m “part of” and think about who fits that role at any given time.

Lately, it’s me.

I’ve had on my cynical, negative Nan hat on for a number of reasons- feeling cranky about things that may have happened at work, uncertainty about next steps in life, and sometimes it’s just that I slept wrong. It happens to all of us, but I am fully admitting it has been my state of mind for a bit too long.

I know the way to change it is to be positive, take care of myself, and just keep moving forward, and I’m doing that. But part of the problem of being a negative Nancy is that there is some active work involved in getting out of the rut and pushing forward. And that’s where I’m stalled- my lazy button is in permanent on mode and I think it has been for some time.

I’ve gotten comfortable- comfy in my job, in my house, and in my state of life. Comfort can be a good thing of course when it leads to contentment and joy, but my comfort is more like rut, and it’s one I want to push myself out of because this comfort has led to complacency, no risk taking, and a good deal of fear and anxiety.

I often joke that I’m a recovering overachiever, but it’s partly true. I think I may have peaked my awesomeness in some respects when I was in college– I worked hard and pushed myself for various rewards– good grades, good internships, grad school acceptance and so on. After school, it’s the push to get a job and then advance in career, which I was doing super well on. I pushed for the personal milestones of love/marriage and house; when both of those were achieved, with the great job, I thought I was set. When life went upside down with divorce, I leaned on job. Now personal life feels more set, so the balance is upset again with wanting more from job. Is it that I’m never happy with the moment as a hard worker always focused on the next thing or is it that I know I have greater potential in me so I feel the unsettled feelings as the sign to do something new?

Am I just doing too much navel gazing/ overthinking and really should just shut up? I do know that I keep putting off thinking/talking/acting on ideas for a million excuses- this is the clear sign to me that my negative outlook and fear have taken control.

I know what I need to do and I’m avoiding/afraid/too lazy to do it. That’s no one’s problem but my own. Maybe saying it out loud to the virtual world is what I need to kick my butt and be accountable.

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