Wanting More or Thinking Too Much?
My busiest time of year at work is over. I survived, though not without my fair share of long days and stressful moments. Every year I tend to deal with the stress differently, but this year a work-related trip got thrown in right before the exhibit and museum opened for the season, so there was a whole other level of busy to keep my on my toes.
Post-exhibit opening I always go into cleaning, purging, reflection mode. Perhaps this is because I avoid most of these things completely when I’m installing an exhibit- I do the bare minimum of cleaning in office and at home, rely on Q for cooking and grocery shopping, and bookmark/save articles, to do items, etc. for when the dust settles and I feel I can breathe again. It’s not the best cycle of life to cram a few month’s work into a few weeks, but it’s the nature of the work and honestly, I sort of like that. I like the reliability of the schedule, I like knowing when to expect the busy/stressful times, and most of all, it’s a bit of an adrenaline rush.
Post-exhibit opening time began this past weekend with feverish cleaning of random things like my teakettle, under couch cushions, and hanging curtains. The slow down in life also gives me space to think and journal in a more coherent way, which I need, but also often leads to existential life crises on Sunday mornings. This happens not infrequently on Sunday mornings because that’s when I sit down to read The New York Times or blog posts I’ve been saving. Reading about all the amazing things people are doing in the world makes me feel itchy with my reality, and wanting more. Q has come to expect that while drinking coffee and reading papers, I will probably forever question whatever it is I am doing in life.
It’s not so much a discontent with life, job, or anything in particular, as it is this sort of desire to want more, to learn more, and to be more. I know that I am enough, but there is a spark inside me that always seeks out something else. I think that’s the curse/blessing of being a curious person– I’m also seeking for more knowledge, whether it be in learning about a particular event in history that interests me or continually engaging in a process of self-discovery. It also leads me to think whether this is a female problem or if there are men who are equally antsy with life. Q has said before in one of my many rants about life/learning/seeking something new, that I think too much and just need to stop and focus on one thing. I am certainly guilty of this and my multiple browser tabs, long list of books/blogs to read, and so much more are evidence of my vast, and often, changing interests.
Part of my recovery as an overachiever is learning to become comfortable with this discomfort– putting confidence into the desire to do more, know more, find new challenges, and so on. The learning and discovery process is what excites me– I just need to learn how to focus that discovery into meaningful ways that will bring me satisfaction instead of feeling pulled into so many directions without any clear idea of what I want.