Working Through It- Or A Look at My Incoherent Brain
It’s been over a year since I carved out my little spot on the interwebs- I actually let my blogoversary pass by without much fanfare in November, not for any reason other than there was a lot going on and I sort of missed it myself.
Since writing was something I always enjoyed and was fairly decent at ( though a few teachers along the way tried to dissuade me), I thought the blog space would be an incredibly easy thing for me to do. When I was a guest blogger over at Stratejoy, it was an amazing experience not just because of the community it plunged me into, but also because it came along at a time in my life when I needed an outlet for all the feelings. Blogging and being more engaged in social media helped me write myself back into life and helped me work through my divorce.
But now I’m on the other side of that particular event and I find that at times, I have no idea how to express myself on here or even in my personal, handwritten journals. I make lists of great topic ideas for blogging and things I want to say, but I don’t follow through. I have this space to express myself, but don’t give it the time or committment it deserves. I have been thinking for a long time about self-hosting the blog, even went as far as buying the domain, and then no action on my part. I try to avoid the comparison game with some of the blogs I love- those folks have been at it for years, while I’m still the new kid at the party.
I think a lot about things I want to say and often I don’t say it because of the audience. Most of my family and close friends read this, which I am happy about, but at the same time, I struggle to find ways to work out the noise and ideas inside my head that 1- makes sense and 2- doesn’t get too personal, hurt feelings, or will cause arguments. I know this is something every blogger works through and maybe I’m just in the growing pains of that too. I am resistant to conflict and controversy in the way that I don’t want to cause it, but really I think what it comes down to is a laziness with myself about facing the zillion things that pass through my brain everyday. When I was in the worst days of my marriage, I didn’t talk to friends or journal about it because writing things down made them true- so avoiding the emotional process of writing allows me to live in denial about what I might be thinking about.
I feel like this writing is even all over the place, which is probably another clear indication of the fact that I need to chill out and work it all out in one massive brain download. Then I think of my 2013 theme to “be about it” and this whole thing seems like a whiny post about how I have some blockage in my creativity and head, when really I need to do IS DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Both of those things are probably true, and that’s alright too.
All of this is to say, I’m working through it.